You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
