I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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