My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
