i would punch a child for taco bell
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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