Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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