Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
