so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize