im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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