Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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