i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
