Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
