we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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