I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
