You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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