it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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