I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
