he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
