he thought i was a dude.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize