After last night, I could never be a politician.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I'm passing your future prison.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Dear god my vagina.
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