Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
