just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
