Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
