I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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