He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
