my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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