Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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