i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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