new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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