i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
