so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
