I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
