I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
