What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
