meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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