You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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