Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
