I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
