i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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