if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
