3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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