my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
