I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize