Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize