We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
