Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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