i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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