I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
