pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Randomize