I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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