anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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