The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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