They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
