you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
