So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
