$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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