He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
