Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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